Jaya opened her eyes to find herself seated on a chair staring into the eyes of a male. Who was he? Why was he piercing her with his stone-like gaze? And who were these strange people moving around her? Everything seemed so hazy and unclear. Where was she?
Are you all right?" somebody was asking her.
Jaya looked in the direction of the voice and recognized the voice. It was Shekhar, her office colleague.


"Yes I am fine" was all that she could manage to mutter. Rest of the words got lost in the overpowering emotion that was beginning to choke her again.  Gosh! It had happened in a public place. Every one must have stared. Had her dress been in place, she thought to herself. No! No! I mustn’t think of anything, Jaya thought and trudged back to work. Shekhar was considerate enough to whisper to her that he would not mention about the incident to anyone in the office. 

Somewhere else, far back in time, it is 3.30pm. Time to go home from school. She packed her books in her satchel unaware of a bunch of mischievous eyes glaring at her from the other end of the huge classroom.  As she began to make her way out, her friends called out to her. She turned around to see a group, five of them actually. Innocently she walked towards them wondering what they wanted. She was already late for home. And before she could think any further the 'special treatment' had begun. Eyes twinkling with fun, four of them lifted her, each holding a hand and a leg. She shivered as they swayed her in the air.
"She's got 'it'!" they cried out loudly.
"Lift her higher" somebody yelled.
Even Sangeetha her best friend whom she liked so much was doing it to her.
"Lift her higher" everybody shouted in chorus.
"Pick up a shoe."
"Get an onion."


“Jaya. Jaya.” Somebody was shouting into her ear. Jaya was rudely awakened out of her childhood memories to see her mother standing before her.
”Are you listening? Madan is a good man. If you want I shall talk to his mother." Ma had started again.
"No Ma! How many times have I told you that I am not interested?"

"But Jaya, how long can you carry on like this? With this problem who will come forward to marry you? If only.."
"Ma please don’t start it all again. I just do not want to get married."
"Don’t talk nonsense Jaya. You are a woman. You HAVE to get married. You must. You are twenty nine now.”
"Ma! You are the limit," Jaya said and barged out of the room.
She knew the usual pattern would follow. Her mother would cry and then, she would have to go and pacify her again. I am not going to comfort her this time, she told herself. Thoughts and emotions collided with one another as she tried to calm her nerves. Did she really not want to get married? Did she not desire the comforting arms of a soul mate? It hurt her like hell. Why me God? Why me, she screamed within.


The coming half yearly closing was going to be hectic, Jaya was told in the office by her colleague Ravi, an ordinary looking man in his thirties. He would have passed off as any other government employee. It was only on close contact that one came to know about his idealistic views and generous nature. That Thursday, the atmosphere in the office was chaotic as usual and by six o’clock in the evening, only a few people were left doing the work. Jaya was one among them.
"Why don’t you leave for home, Jaya? It has become late" Ravi advised her.
"It’s okay,” Jaya replied engrossed in her work.
"What do you mean by "it’s okay?" Ravi said. "It is already six o’clock. Soon it will become dark. You better rush home. There’s very little work. I can handle it."
"But, if anything is needed?"
"What are Govind and David for? Go. Go. It’s not good for you to go home so late."


Jaya rose from her seat, packed her handbag and left for home. On her way back, Jaya came across the usual stares, which any woman of her age would encounter on a busy day. At some other time she would have muttered angrily in her mind but today, she ignored them all. Her thoughts were elsewhere. She was thinking of Ravi who unlike the others in the office was kind and good-natured. Years back, somebody else’s thoughts had loomed large on her horizon. It had been a pleasant Sunday evening five summers ago, to be precise. She remembered the day so well. It had rained on that particular day providing relief from the blistering heat that had begun to ravage the city. In her early twenties, Jaya was working in a local newspaper. Life seemed dull and monotonous till that day when she met Mohit, a finance executive in an advertising agency.  Charm personified, he attracted her like no one had ever done before. They met at a media get-together. And, from then on there was no one else Jaya could think of. It was a mutual attraction. It seemed as if both were made for one another. Conversations accompanied coffee. Lunch led to lazing around. Then movies. And finally they planned to share their lives together.

Just a few days prior to the engagement party a couple of friends had come visiting Mohit. Jaya was already there. Out of the blue, Jaya felt dizzy and fell down on the carpet. To the utter shock of all the friends gathered there Jaya suffered a seizure. When she had gained consciousness, the house was empty of guests. Mohit too was not visible. Jaya was alarmed. She lifted herself with great difficulty, as she still felt drowsy. She found Mohit seated in his bedroom with a dismayed look upon his face.


It had been years since she had last fallen ill. All through her college years, she had been keeping fine. No wonder then she had become careless about her health.  Love had also made her blind to the fact that her would-be life partner had a right to know that she suffered from an illness. And now that her sickness had returned, Mohit felt betrayed. As soon as Jaya entered the room Mohit looked at her with an angry expression.
"Why did you hide this from me?" he demanded.
"Hide? I did not..."
"What do you mean by 'did not'? Did you ever tell me before that you had this?"
"No" Jaya said softly.
"If only I had known earlier..."
Jaya looked puzzled.
"Mohit, if you had known then, what WOULD you have done?"
"Ah! Leave it. What’s the use of talking about all this now?"
"No seriously, Mohit. What would you have done?"
"If you really want to know, I would have just dumped you. Who wants a mad woman for a girlfriend leave alone a wife?" Mohit burst out indignantly.
Jaya was silent for sometime. She was grappling for words in her misery.
"Mohit, do you really understand what you are talking about? I am NOT MAD. I just suffer from an illness called epilepsy. That’s all. And, I am surprised at your ignorance.”
"Ha! Don't try to teach me. Just imagine! Embarrassing me before my friends. I shall never forgive you for this."
"Mohit! Why don't you try and understand?" Jaya burst into tears. "I never did anything intentionally."
Tears of agony flowed down Jaya's cheeks. Why was Mohit being so cruel? Why was he failing to understand the fact that whatever happened was not in her control? If he could feel so embarrassed before his friends how would she have felt all these years? Suffering from an ailment she could not talk about.  Going through misery every time she had an attack. The dizziness, headaches, black outs, the sense of nothingness that followed every seizure only she knew what she underwent. She had told no one. She had suffered alone.

So, that was the end of her relationship with Mohit. A bitter pill she had to swallow. Old memories were indeed painful. But, why was she remembering all this today? The thought of Ravi immediately sprung up in her mind. Something about him made her feel she could trust him with all her conflicts. But, who was he? Just another person who would scorn her like the others or, show some sympathy in charity once he knew about 'it'. Why had every relationship of hers to be judged by her illness? Why was no one interested in the person residing within her?  

                                                                                                    To be completed next week ....