Among the touching relationships between fathers and daughters in recent history, is the one between Nehru and his daughter Indira Priyadarshini. Nehru was by and large, an absentee father. Yet in spite of the distances that kept them apart on account of his frequent incarceration in various jails, or his political work, the bond that existed between them grew incredibly stronger. Reading through Nehru’s “Glimpses of World History,” letters written to his daughter from prison, one becomes aware of their closeness. Though the book is an introduction of her young mind to world history, literature, science, politics, and is not overtly emotional, the affection he has for his daughter and the pain of separation, are visible throughout the book.
“Priyadarshini, dear to my sight, but dearer still when sight is denied…….”
“I think of the day when we shall all three meet again, and the thought of it will lighten and cheer my heart.”
Or the poignancy of his letter to her on her thirteenth birthday.
“On your birthday, you have been in the habit of receiving presents and good wishes. Good wishes you still have in full measure. But what present can I send you from Naini prison?...... They can only be of the air and the wind and the spirit, such as a good fairy might bestow upon you; things that even the high walls of prison cannot stop.”
He was not a father who liked sermonizing or giving advice. He merely wanted to instill in her the joy of discovery and learning about new things.
“I don’t think he was trying to form my mind,” said Indira, “But he was bubbling over with ideas that just had to spill over.”
Even so, through his letters and life style, he inadvertently instilled in her a sense of patriotism.
“You are fortunate to be witness to this great struggle for Independence.”

There are many other instances of father- daughter relationships which have mutually enriched both. When John Milton the famous poet, turned blind through Glaucoma, his youngest daughter Deborah became his constant companion and amanuensis. Between them was a close bond. No doubt he made her aware of the beauty of poetry and the written word.

John Bunyan of “Pilgrim’s Progress” fame, who was thrown into prison by Charles II, for his religious preaching, doted on his only daughter Mary, who was blind from birth. She was his ‘firstborn and his constant joy.’ She would visit him in prison everyday, and cheer him up.

The father-daughter relationship is as precious and intense as the mother-son bond. A girl’s primary role model is her father. He is the gauge by which she estimates the worth of the men she encounters. His behaviour, his dependability, his integrity are the qualities by which she will measure other men.
Says one father, “If I screw up, she will spend the rest of her life with a ‘screw up.’
I don’t want that to happen.”

However, a father is not a second mother. He has his own unique role to play in the family hierarchy. Psychologists say that a father teaches physical competence and confidence in asserting one’s self. Through his encouragement and guidance, she becomes a self confident person, able to make prudent decisions, and interact with others.
There are some fathers who are overbearing. They want to control every aspect of their daughter’s life – who she can have as friends, how she can dress, where she can go. This patriarchal mindset can terrify the girl, so much that she begins to fear her father or secretly hate him. Any easy communication between them is impossible.

Others are over-protective to the point of making the girl feel insecure and timid. She begins to believe subconsciously that she is incapable of caring for herself. Unless a child is allowed to take risks, she will never be able to make responsible and independent decisions throughout her life.

A young father’s curiosity led him to make a rather disturbing discovery about himself. He peeped into his daughter’s essay, which she had written for a school assignment titled “My Dad Is A Hero”
“I love my Dad. He is as strong as a pillar. I can lean on him for strength; I can hide behind him when I’m scared; he consoles me when I quarrel with friends; he helps me with my lessons, and holds my hands when I’m afraid.
But today, he is not my hero…….. He did not let me go for a picnic with my friends. He never does….. He doesn’t realise that I’m a big girl now and must learn to fly. He clips my wings…..”
The man had tears in his eyes. He wanted to be perfect in her sight. He wanted to protect her because he loved her so much. But she didn’t appreciate his over-protectiveness or his possessiveness. He had to change.
“I must become worthy of her esteem and adulation. I want to be the dad she can look up to as supportive and nurturing, a dependable, loving presence.”
The world is not a safe place anymore. Fathers are afraid that their daughters may come to harm. But “smother love” makes their daughters more insecure and stunts their growth. Over-protection if a kind of ‘paternal neurosis’ that does no good.

However, fathers need not feel embarrassed to show their affection for their daughters. “I love you”, three little magic words are what daughters like to hear, no matter how old. The key responsibility of a father is to help his girl develop an identity of her own, and become a well balanced and happy person. She is not a commodity to be possessed but a person to be respected. The process should begin in childhood. She needs to be confident in his love. He should be approachable and also a good listener. Then she will come to him with her problems, knowing that he will help her find solutions to whatever is bothering her.

Throughout her life, a girl is affected by the kind of relationship she has with her father. When his behaviour and his values are consistent, when he treats her mother with love and respect, she will seek these qualities in other men, and stay away from those who are disrespectful to women or violent. It is therefore important that he is actively involved in her rearing. It is not enough if he is physically present. He must be emotionally present too.

Somebody said that a father is like a male Darwin frog, who carries his baby tadpoles in his vocal sac until they are big enough to fend for themselves. Then he spits them out.
Parenting roles change as the girl grows. Now he is not just her parent but must become her mentor.

Adolescence is a time when the father-daughter relationship passes through an awkward phase. Fathers distance themselves from their daughters when they become aware of them as sexual beings. Daughters turn away from their fathers, and move towards their peer groups. In this transition between childhood and adulthood, girls pass through a measure of psychological turmoil. Confusing emotions and strange sensations take hold of them. Fathers realise that they are no more at the centre of their daughter’s universe. They see a rival for her affection in every boy to whom she is attracted. Suddenly she becomes a stranger, and tries to assert her independence by wearing garish clothes or colouring her hair in orange or purple.

The measure of a father’s love is seen in the way he handles this delicate phase in his daughter’s life. She will neither appreciate his interference nor accept it. The wise thing to do is to allow her a little leeway in choosing her friends or her weird methods of grooming, as long as she does not go overboard and mingle with people of questionable character or overstep the bounds of modesty. If a father has already laid the road map for her life through good parenting and love, she will always be guided by those principles. But she must be allowed to make her own mistakes and accept responsibility for her actions and her choices.

One bit of advice that Nehru gave to his daughter is relevant to all young girls stepping into adulthood.
“Never do anything in secret or anything you wish to hide. For the desire to hide anything makes you afraid, and fear is a bad thing. If you are brave, you will not fear and will not do anything of which you are ashamed………….Make friends with the sun and work in the light, and do nothing secretly or furtively.”

Wrong parenting especially in adolescence, can occasionally lead to the Electra complex – a psychological term for a girl’s romantic feelings towards her father, and anger towards her mother. Carl Jung called it the “Feminine Oedipus attitude.” This father fixation is unhealthy and needs to be discouraged. It could even lead to incestuous relationships between father and daughter.

Fathers do play a special and important role in the lives of their daughters. The inspiration for Fathers’ Day was the super Dad William Jackson Smart, who single handedly brought up six children, after his wife died from the last childbirth. When his married daughter Senora Dodd heard a sermon on Mothers’ Day in 1909, she thought that worthy fathers like her own should also be honoured on a special day. Her petitions bore fruit, and in 1972, Fathers’ Day became an annual holiday in USA, and is celebrated in mid-June.

An anonymous poet has penned these lines to all fathers.

“Take stock of yourself and consider your child,
Your time and your thoughts are her due;
For how would you answer the Lord if he asks,
What kind of a father were you?”

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