RECAP An upset Aditya takes a young woman from his office home and ends up making violent love to her. He feels repentant later but the deed is done and he drops her home. Back home, he takes out his anger and self-loathing on the cat. CHAPTER 11 Aditya could not sleep all night. He lay in bed trying to analyze the depravity that he had just displayed, knowing that nothing could justify it. The act was committed and nothing he felt now would wipe it away, nothing he could do would ever undo it. He wasn’t even sure why he had done what he had. It wasn’t that he had been dying to have a woman and he couldn’t have been hoping that the void in his life would somehow get filled by the new recruit from office. The emptiness was something only Ishaani could fill, or perhaps time would teach him to forget habit. But did one ever forget how to brush one’s teeth. Perhaps, with Alzheimer’s... He checked his rambling thoughts and told himself that nothing could really explain his behaviour, or validate it. Perhaps the knowledge of the inevitable had made him more attached to Ishaani. As he lay now, his eyes hurting at his inability to sleep, he visualized her lying beside him, eyes peacefully shut, wearing a faded pink nightgown, hugging a pillow to herself. Was the pillow there to ward him off? Aditya checked his thought-flow again, and tried to blank out his mind, hoping that sleep would come visiting. It didn’t. In the morning, at a respectable hour, he called Ishaani. I wanted to wish you yesterday. It’s okay. I guess you were busy.  Did he sense sarcasm? Did it actually matter to her that he hadn’t called? Did she know? Of course not, he was being paranoid. So how’ve you been Ishaani? Good. And you? I am okay… the house does feel empty… I’ll come over one of these days. Come over today. I am not going to work. I- Come. Please. Don’t say no. Come for lunch. All right. How come you aren’t going to work today? Because you are coming for lunch!!! Aditya! See you! He hung up, afraid that he had crossed the line and that she would cancel the visit. She didn’t call to cancel and an hour or so later, he was asking the cook to make all Ishaani’s favourite dishes. Shankaridi looked a little doubtful as he told her that he wanted her to make ‘alu poshto’, ‘shukto’, ‘dal’, ‘alu bhaja’, ‘bhapa ilish’ and ‘bhetki fry’. Dada, that’s a lot of food. Just make it Shankaridi, it’s a special meal. Aditya was looking so excited that Shankari knew he would not see sense. She proceeded towards a long kitchen sojourn while Aditya went out to buy dessert and flowers. He wondered awhile about the propriety of buying her a present and finally ruled it out. But he could and did buy a little cake for a belated birthday celebration. Back home, waiting out the time till lunch, he suddenly got cold feet. He called up his daughters and asked them to come over to make it a ‘family’ lunch. They were both unable to get away from work at such a short notice. So he continued with his solitary wait, feeling a bit like a young one in love.     When the bell rang, Aditya woke up from a deep slumber he had passed into. There she was, looking the way she always did. And indeed why should she look any different? She smiled. You look tired. Come in Ishaani. You look good. Ishaani could see her absence all over the place and reminded herself that she wasn’t here to straighten out the place. She wasn’t sure why she had come – to look for telltale signs of the PYT’s presence, or because Adi had sounded so desperately alone. Her glance took in the cake and the flowers and suddenly her eyes filled. She looked elsewhere and then asked Aditya for a glass of water. Handing her the glass, he said, A bit of a mess here, huh? I thought you were the neatness freak. I was, till my life got so cluttered... He said this with a self-depreciatory smile, feeling sorry for himself, and hating himself for sounding like a loser. For being a loser seeking to hide behind the safe questions. So, how’ve you been? Good. And you? Good... actually, not so good... I miss you Ishaani. Adi, don’t – No Ishaani, don’t shut me up today. I don’t get to talk to you every day. I am not trying to get you back. I know you won’t ever come back. But I need to tell you this at least once, that I miss you more than I ever, ever imagined that I could... and that if you ever wish to, you can just walk back. Ishaani could see that Aditya was using every bit of self control that he possessed to talk normally, and that he was still choking. She felt silly at ever having felt worked up about the young woman last night. While she had just walked away, she could see that the person who stayed back had to deal with all the pain. She could feel a bit of his pain as she looked at him and said, Adi, I am too old to cut a cake! Aditya smiled and shook his head.                                     To be continued…