RECAP Kunal’s condition continues to worsen. Two years pass in this way and he is almost on his death bed. Zunaid’d fiancée Tina returns to Mumbai and wants to get married to him even after being away for more than a year and a half. She makes rude remarks when Anushka visits Zunaid to give him some books. After Tina leaves, they have a moment of such emotional weakness that all the barriers break down as they surrender to the long suppressed emotions. CHAPTER 15 Their emotions kept under firm control, swept them away. Tears were mixed with smiles, pain was mixed with sheer ecstasy – they had redeemed themselves. The trance was broken after moment – or may be after eternity. It was Anushka’s cell phone, ringing like alarm bells. It was a call from Kunal’s nurse. He had woken up. Disconnecting, she turned towards Zunaid. “You don’t hate me, do you?” he said. “I wish I could hate myself…  but I don’t.” Anushka got up to leave. “Does that make me a horrible person?” “No, its makes you human. And lets me kill the demons that I have been fighting for last two years.” Zunaid hugged her. She closed her eyes, fighting back the tears. “Want me to drop you home,  my love?” “No, I have my car.” Suddenly Anushka looked up in his eyes. “Zunaid, will you be able to face Kunal? How can we be so selfish?” It was as if a dark cloud covered his face. In the moments of ecstasy, of happiness, he had shut out the fact that Anushka belonged to Kunal. And then she was gone. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone, but at the same time, his loyalties to Kunal went back to their childhood. Had he violated that trust? Anushka reached home to find Shivani sitting beside Kunal. He had a faint smile on his face. A face that was once so handsome looked like a pale mask now. She felt a stab of guilt. “Momma, dad is making drawings for me. See, even I can make better sketches than him.” Shivani giggled. “Shivani, don’t be rude. Your dad can sketch very well. He is just a bit ill these days. Once he is ok, he will make many drawings for you. Now off you go and play with nani.” “Ok!” Shivani ran away leaving the drawing notebook. Shivani sat beside Kunal and held his hand. “I missed you.” his voice was barely audible. Anushka burst into tears. She hugged his frail body and cried. She wanted to tell him everything. He always knew what to do. She had never kept a secret from him. Never. Till now.  “What is it baby?” he said, almost gasping. Then Anushka realized that he was unable to breathe just because she had her head on his chest. It tore her heart into pieces. He was so weak. “I love you Kunal”. She assured herself. “I love only you.” “And I love you.” Kunal tried to lift his hand high enough to touch her face, but failed. The effort had left him drained and he slipped back into unconsciousness. He didn’t wake up before Anushka had to leave for Canada the next day. She attended the scheduled business meetings and then headed back to her hotel to sleep off the jet lag. She checked her watch, it was 10 pm in Toronto, so it was 7ish in the morning in India. Her hands went to the phone. She had to talk to Zunaid. But before she could dial his number, her phone rang. It was him. “Zen!” “Anu, we need to talk.” “Yes, I was going to call you. I don’t….” was all she could say before Zunaid cut her sentence.. “You need to come back right now.” “Why? I have few more meetings tomorrow.” And then a horror struck her and bile rose to the mouth. “What has happened? Is Kunal ok? Shivani? Oh god.” Panic made her go mad. “Shivani is ok.” That said it all. Anushka didn’t have to ask any further. She couldn’t ask any further. Like a zombie she disconnected the phone and then dialed the hotel’s front desk, asking them to arrange a ticket for her on the first flight leaving for Mumbai. She went near the window, looking out at the beautiful city. Her hands shook, her mind was blank. Kunal was gone. Forever. Her first love, her closest friend, her husband, father of her only child… she slumped on the floor.. Her bones had become like jelly.. She had lost him. She was not there when he needed her. Did he suffer? Was he in pain? Did he search for her? Did he call out her name? Anushka curled up on the floor. Her body was raked with sobs, sobs of guilt. She wanted to scream, but somehow she could just whimper like a wounded animal. Tears refused to provide her any kind of solace. *** Zunaid picked her up from the airport. He hadn’t shaved and it looked like he was wearing the same shirt as he was on that fateful day when they had discovered each other. He didn’t take his eyes off the road, didn’t speak a single word, and didn’t offer a hug of sympathy. Anushka was too torn inside to notice. She was not superstitious, but she couldn’t stop thinking that it was god’s punishment for breaking her wedding vows. Kunal didn’t have any family after his parent had died. His funeral was arranged by a stone faced Zunaid. After few days, he came back to arrange for the removal of all the machines that Kunal had needed to keep him alive for two year. He still looked haunted. It was the first time when he didn’t pick Shivani in his arms. It was as if he had shut them out of his world. Anushka stood near the door, watching. Once all the machines were shifted, Zunaid walked up to her. “Anushka, I am sorry.” “I know. But its all my fault.. I shouldn’t ..” his eyes stopped her words. His face was covered with the extreme guilt. He winced. “No Anushka, it was not. It was my fault.” “I think he sensed it in me that evening when I returned from your place. He must have been so heartbroken…”  She whispered, imagining how it must have hurt him. “You don’t understand Anu. The day you left, Kunal’s condition deteriorated.  I came here and sat beside him while he was barely conscious. I was feeling so overwhelmed that could not stop myself.” He looked down. Anushka felt her heart sinking. “Anu, I told that I loved you and that I had loved you for last two years. It’s me who killed his desire to live.” And then he was gone, leaving Anushka speechless. *** Days, weeks and months passed but he never called her, never visited her home. Anushka had to handle Shivani. She was still very young, but it was tough to explain why her father was not sleeping in his bedroom. She desperately wanted to talk to Zunaid. But she knew that he will never talk to her again. She felt that she was the most selfish person of the world. But heart had ways beyond anyone’s understanding. Will anyone understand that she will always love Kunal? But at the same time, she longed to be with Zunaid.  How did she become so weak? Why did she allow herself to be in such predicament? Love was supposed to be a clean feeling. How did she make such a mess of her life? Was it a mistake to let her guard down in front of Zunaid’s love? Did she kill Kunal? Did they betray him to his death? If only she could talk to Kunal once. If only he could tell her that she was not a bad wife.. She was not an adulteress. Anushka winced, thinking the word. But may be it was better this way. The iron grip of remorse and guilt made sure that they will never cross their limits. There was no tomorrow for them.. No tomorrow together. Fighting, pining, they went on with the fragments of their lives. It was a typical stormy night of Mumbai. Once again, she could not sleep. It was midnight and the rain was beating down for more than 24 hours. She tiptoed to Shivani’s room. She was sleeping the way only kids can. Without any fear of the morning. She sat beside her bed for a while.  And then she saw her old drawing notebooks piled up in a corner. Anushka had asked her to discard the ones that were full. She got up and started sorting them. Anything to keep her mind occupied. And then she remembered the last time she had seen Kunal smiling was when he was helping Shivani make drawings…just a couple of days before he passed away.  She rummaged through and found it…  Tears welled up in her eyes. She opened it… and then…… She could not believe her eyes. Her heart was hammering away in her chest.. There it was, words written in a handwriting that looked almost childish. It was all that Kunal could manage in his last days. She read it breathlessly. “Anu, You know the pain I live in. every day is like a torture. But I live for you and for vini. Zen told me. I think he didn’t know that I could hear him. Now I am relaxed. He will never let you down. I want to tell you I could not ask god for anything better than this, but I am not sure if I will last till you return. Tell Zen that he is the best friend I could ever ask for. May god bless you two. I will make sure that he does, I will be breathing down God’s neck till he makes everything right.  I will tell you and Zunaid once you return. But in case I don’t, please don’t let him go. Tell Shivani that dad loves her. I will watch over you. Lot to say, but I m not feeling too well. Love you always. Forever and for ever Kunal” Anushka held the page close to her heart and closed her eyes. She was sure she could feel Kunal near her.  Slowly, she lied down beside her daughter.   Her love was not sin. Kunal did not hate her.  He had reached out to her in death. Could anyone love so much? Could anyone else find humor in the face of death? Perhaps not. But her Kunal did. Will she tell Zunaid about the letter? Will she make a second start with the blessings that Kunal gave her? She didn’t know.  She didn’t want to think about it. All she knew right then was that she was loved. She was loved like no other woman ever was. A drop of tear slid down her face as she felt closer to Kunal than she had ever been. How will Zunaid react when she will tell him about it? How will her grandpa react if she told him? And will Shivani accept Zunaid as more than a favorite playmate? These questioned did not matter either. She smiled as her mind went back to Scarlett O’Hara’s immortal words- “I will think about it tomorrow”. Yes, she was not weak anymore. She will face her world. She will smile again. She had Kunal’s love with her. And she will have it – Forever and for ever. And then she slipped into a dreamless slumber, getting ready to face the world the next day.                                     ** The End **