In True Incidents - Office Spouse: Harsh realities of today’s times By Sangeeta Menon, Bangalore, India
Anil was becoming more and more distant physically and emotionally, I put it down to the extra workload. Matter worsened, when he started coming home later than usual. “The pressures of the job must be mounting in his new project”. I said to myself. I let him be. I gently prodded him to talk, gave him every opening to unburden his stress, but he stayed silent. I made his favorite dishes, bought surprise gifts for him, shared jokes, made every attempt to brighten his life, but it was all in vain. He was growing more and more distant day by day. I was at my wits end, but I stayed calm. The impending motherhood took my physical energies and his silence my mental energies. I prayed that the inner storm within him would blow away fast.One day, he left his mobile behind. I decided to check his SMS, as he used to receive lots of fun SMS from his friends. To my utter shock, the messages in the Inbox were not the ones I expected to read. There were several messages from a woman proclaiming his love for him. His Sent folder disclosed that he returned the feeling.
Later in the evening, when I confronted him, he told me, “Yes I am emotionally involved with Smitha and I will never give her up”.
Why? How? When? The questions ran through my mind like a bullet. They say “Huge shocks always numbs you”. I wanted to rant and rave, scream my lungs out, but I did none of the things. Not one single tear was shed. I went in to a very objective state where I could not relate to the present situation.
Finally I asked him “What about me and the baby”. No answer. The cold stare was enough. From then on Silence was a permanent feature in our home. His refusal to answer spoke volumes of what he wanted. He stopped pretending and was very open about his relationship with her. Calls that lasted several hours, SMS after SMS were sent. Even the birth of baby failed to bring him back.
He had fallen prey to a “Office spouse syndrome”. The lady in question was married too and with a kid.
He wanted out. “I love her” he justified. I tried cajoling him to come back, promising him all sort of happiness .He was adamant. I had no choice but to accept defeat. Needless to say my marriage was over.Two years later when I have made a new life for myself and the baby, I reflect back on what happened. Did my marriage really fail? The answer still evades me.
Women are now bolder and broken away from the shackles of traditions which is thickly veiled with chauvinism. So they deal with men more openly. Hugging, touching and other forms of physical contact is not considered offensive in a office environment, provided it maintains a decent decorum. Where does this physical contact leads too? Affairs? Probably. Especially, people who are forever seeking excitements and thrills. It would not have generated as much concern if the member of opposite sex involved in a relationship is not committed elsewhere. But when it comes to involvement between employees married to someone else, things can get messy.
All over the world, the “office spouse syndrome” is getting more and more prevalent. The long working hours and close proximity to each other had placed personal emotions in the professional relationship. It is indeed very difficult to stay aloof in the scenario, where insecurities, mental stress and frustrations run high. This weakens the psyche of the person, as the result he seeks to soothe his/her ego by forming physical relations with opposite sex. Yes, a sensible and strong person can handle the pressure with élan, and will understand the pitfalls of such actions, but a weakling will take a easy way out. I can only conclude that Anil was a weakling so he gave in to the temptation of having a physical affair. Had this been a purely platonic relationship, he would never have opted out of the marriage.
Any sensible man/ woman can understand that the difference between the short tem happiness and the long term happiness. By plunging headlong into a relationship, without bothering, the heartbreak and suffering caused to the families, they take on the label “hedonistic”.
Does it last? Very rarely. Because the relationship was formed, more out of need for the moment. Once that moment is over, the charm of relationship fades and the kinks in the armour appear. “Love” flies out of the window and the routine and monotony sets in, taking away the roller coaster thrill that caused them to be attracted to one another. As it did with Anil and Smitha.
Hmmm
What happens when another Smitha happens to come along in Anil's life? Weaklings can always split another marriage just as easily...And if a man doesnt feel responsible for the little life he has created, I guess the woman in the story is better off without this sort of support...It's tough having to share emotional bonds of one's child with an undeserving father and later when he leaves having to answer the child's queries and nurture his emotions...Its traumatic having to share a man, and I really dont know how some women do it by choice...perhaps losing him altogether is even more traumatic...
God Bless
Reply to this
Thanks you for your comments Suneetha.Losing a husband sure was traumatic but it could have been worse. I am truly over it. Sangeeta
Reply to this
Smitha too is as much to blame here as she would have been aware of the baby on the way.
Having said that, I have read articles about some companies that actually encourage 'office romances' as it would keep the team members together and supposedly 'help' the project. Some special 'allowances' are also made for this.
Life will not be easy when you have to answer your child's questions, Sangeeta but then a 'weakling' husband would have caused you more heartache and pain further down in life.
Reply to this
Thanks Archana,
Yes, It is better to cut off a cancerous relationship rather than allow yourself to be drawn in the disease of mistrust and insecurity.
Reply to this
Well, I'm a feminist of the first water, but I would beg to disagree with the ladies here.
I feel confrontation is not a solution to this problem. Because in both the cases, it is the woman who loses.
If you confront your husband, he would profess his love for the lady. Now that you know everything, you would be expected to be a silent spectator to the whole show, as from now on he won't have to hide anything from you.
Now you would be left with just two options — suffer everything silently (which would be even more painful) or walk out of marriage (and bear the aftermath of a divorce).
According to me, the best option is to ignore. Such affairs seldom last long. And when the man would realise his mistake, he would automatically come back to you. And his guilt might even make him more concerned about you.
Some of you might find me crazy. But this is what I feel.
Reply to this
I agree in part with you, Neha. But I also feel that ignoring or confronting are both extreme reactions. I would instead address the issue in the form of a discussion about what draws him to Smitha in the first place. That can be quite revealing. Of course it will work only if the couple can bring themselves to talk about it honestly. Merely claiming to love another woman is not honesty. Actually understanding what goes on in one's mind and being bold enough to address the issue clinically would be of greater help to both. It might reveal that the marriage is not meant to be or it may actually bring the couple closer. Try it. It works.
Reply to this
Archana,"Talks" failed. He was in silent mode . Can u believe the reason he was attracted towards her was" because she is a malayalee and you are not. and she is younger" (ours was a intercaste marriage)
Reply to this
Archana,
"Talks" failed. He was in silent mode . Can u believe the reason he was attracted towards her was" because she is a malayalee and you are not. and she is younger" (ours was a intercaste marriage). he was an escapist. I did suggest counselling but he was closed to this issue.
Reply to this
Neha,
What if the man becomes violent forces his wife out of his house.ignores his child for 2 years .you still have the same thoughts?
Reply to this
Sangeeta, I find your strength commendable...you have chosen the best way...life with a weak man would always be fraught with some problem...if not Smitha now, he would have fallen prey to someone else later.
Reply to this
Thanks Mita,
It was not easy, but I have come out of it.
Reply to this
This is a syndrome which is fast catching up, though I doubt if it will last long. You did the right thing Sangeeta. It takes courage to walk out of something which you dearly believe it and which you have given your everything to nourish. Wishing you all the best in life.
Reply to this
Dear Sangeeta
I pity on your child who is forever devoid of its father's love and care. Of course, he doesn't deserve you and whatever he did is highly unfair
Did you, however, try to analyze ever how he could get into such a relationship in spite of your love and commitment? Can flirtation of any kind for that matter make a husband abandon his wife forever?
Reply to this
Can u analyze this A man tells his wife " I have changed.My needs are different now"
Reply to this
Occupational hazard.Very true and traumatic to all the parties.
Reply to this
This is very true in the Mod society that we are living in! I wonder what's happening to us.
These things affects all who are involved. The man,the women and the children.
IPSITA NAYAK--what you are saying is partly right. You can't place the blame on one after all it takes two to tango! Men don't need an excuse to wander off, we all know what works on them. A bowl full of emotional sob stories and they are ready to protect and fight for such women.
Ignoring never helps, as Neha puts. At times this would be one of the factors in creating more distance between the couple. They may feel that the spouse doesn't care enough to know what is ahppening and maybe is just waiting to for an excuse to move away. Infact talking it helps a lot.
Women need to be strong to take decisions and have to be mentally be prepared to face what comes their way. And today's women do have the guts to face life inspite of all the emotional turmoils they go through.
Reply to this
While it is easy for us to feel about this issue. What we need is what action can be taken in such situation so that persons like Anil can be penalised for his actions. And how needs to be done to prevent / discourage such behaviour. We all need to think and act on this.
Reply to this