In Female Issues - The ‘See’ Ceremony By Neha Gupta, Delhi, India
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife” — so opens the classic Pride and Prejudice authored by Jane Austen. Though the novel is set in 19th century England, the statement so aptly describes the Indian scenario, but with a slight variation. Here fortune and gender not withstanding, the moment someone reaches the ‘marriageable’ age, more than the concerned person or his parents themselves, it is the good Samaritan relatives, neighbours and family friends who are more bothered about spouse hunting. How far one can go just for a free dinner!
The institution of marriage, as we all know, holds utmost importance in India. Despite many of the youngsters opting for love marriage today, I’m sure arrange marriages still dominate the scene. That means the ‘good’ people around you find a match, the families meet (and discuss ‘commercials’), and when the things seem to be taking a positive turn, the groom’s family meets the prospective bride — the ‘see’ ceremony as I call it!
As a teenager, I never wanted my marriage to be ‘arranged’ this way. The ‘see’ ceremony would always get on my nerves. I would ask, “What is the idea behind ‘seeing’ a girl? Is she a cartoon or something?” I always said I would have a love marriage. And, if Lady Luck refuses to be kind enough to me, I’ll resort to matrimonial websites. This way, at least, I would be saved from the ridiculous ‘see’ ceremony. But destiny had something else in her womb for me.
Three years back, willy-nilly I had to become a part of it. I was 22 then and still had not come across my Mr Right. So someone suggested a match for me. I did rebel a lot, but my parents managed to mellow me down by praising the groom to the extremes and convincing me that the ceremony was just a formality as the whole family had already fallen in love with my photograph and had given their approval. I somehow agreed.
So the family came home. Like a good girl, I was made to wear a sari. I did suggest wearing a slawar-kameez instead, but mommy dear and mausi dearest frowned, considering that the kameez was sleeveless. So they draped me in the six yards of wonder and asked me to wait in the other room unless called.
When called, I presented myself.
“Hello beta!” the prospective pa-in-law said, “How much are you earning?”
I literally fell from the sky. I wanted to shout, “Is that all you have to ask me?”
Still I composed myself and said, “Eight thousand plus perks!”
“Eight?” he said, “You know Abhishek’s take home is eighteen thousand.”
“Oh well! I’m 22 and your son is 27. When I’ll be 27, my take home will be much more than what your worthy son is earning,” I nearly said that but held myself back.
“This is the beginning of my career,” I explained, “I’m working in this company for peanuts just because it has a big name. When I’ll switch over to some other organisation, I’ll surely get what I deserve.”
“But do you think your pay will ever cross the ten thousand mark?” he stung, “Frankly speaking, I don’t think this would ever happen.”
Before I could say anything, he turned to my father and said, “You know, the combined salary of our family is over 1 lakh. I believe in a luxurious lifestyle.”
“Luxurious!” I wondered in my heart, “Living in a two-room government flat, where all the three sons share a common room is a luxurious life!”
“Can you drive a car?” he shot another question at me.
“No,” I replied.
He again turned to my father and said, “So far all the girls that we have seen for Abhishek knew driving.” And then, he went on to boast about the machinery and good engine of his second-hand Maruti 800, which I could hardly comprehend.
Don’t know if my parents did not understand anything or conveniently refused to understand, but they just laughed off the matter. Having ‘gorged’ upon whatever was served, the guests prepared to leave.
“Your final answer?” my father asked in a low voice.
“We’ll let you know in a week’s time,” the ‘would-be’ ma-in-law said.
Their final answer came as my picture couriered back to us. I heaved a sigh of relief, though mom’s tears could not stop for a week.
But as they say, God is never unjust. They did get back to us after a few months. And what was the reason? I had changed my job and now my salary was very close to what their son was earning. They had got to know about it through some mediators. My parents were more than happy. But I firmly said a big ‘NO’.
This time my parents tried to appease them instead of wasting their time on me, for I was adamant.
Dad in his characteristic humble voice said to them, “The girl was a little embittered for what happened last time.”
“That’s okay,” pa-in-law said, “We can have another ‘see’ ceremony and pacify her.”
The phone was on speaker mode. I had heard everything. I snatched the phone from my father and shouted, “Neither my looks nor our lifestyle has changed. The only thing that has changed is my pay. It’s pretty clear why you want to ‘pacify’ me now.” Saying this, I banged down the phone.
My parents did thresh me for behaving so insolently, but I was proud of what I did. I had saved myself from a dowry death.
Well done Neha, those people do not deserve you. You will find the 'Right' guy sooner or later via a 'See' ceremony or otherwise.
I am sure in older times, such events had a significance but over time, people have distorted and mangled it beyond recognition and it has lost its real intention.
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Thanks for reading, Archana! I found my Mr Right nearly 2 years back, without having to go through the 'see' ceremony.
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Oh, what a brilliant piece. I loved the sari being described as 'six yards of wonder'. Lovely. You had me chuckling throughout, Neha. What a pompous bighead your prospective father-in-law sounds and what a lucky escape you had. Life would surely have been very different for you if your wallet had been fat enough back then. So pleased to hear you found your own Mr Right without needing to be interviewed in this way. One tiny comment - you said 'I literally fell from the sky'... you could only do so if you were falling from a plane! Using 'literally' instead of 'it felt like' makes it real, rather than descriptive. Other than that, great!
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Thanks for reading and pointing out that thing, Chris! I'm in a habit of using that phrase. Will surely take care the next time.
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Hi Neha,
When i hear of such 'see' ceremonies i really pity the girl and her parading in front of the prospective -in-laws, the questions OMG its horrible. You did great but I wonder how you never lost your cool and went through the whole tedious thing. really, a narrow escape.
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Even I don't know how I never lost cool that day. Maybe I was saving all my energy for a better occasion, which did show itself, as I mentioned.
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Neha, you should have never allowed that to happen, but I'm glad you finally gave that man a piece of your mind. Such a ridiculous and chauvinistic practice.
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Yes, my final answer to that man was the best part of this whole "see ceremony", Irene!
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Way to go girl!..what horrid questions people ask..some people came to see my sis when she was in her first year of mba..and they asked her 'do you want to work after your studies'..when she said yes they lost interest..strange people!
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I really find this practice, Shikha! It's really sad that girls are presented like a doll before the prospective in-laws. Thanks for reading!
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Sivaprakasam
Rasipuram
Tamilnadu
It is heartening to note the experience of'see' ceremony of a girl
in this very well woven story. But at the very sametime I want to remind the
fact that such ceremony was not stipulated by our ancesstors to exhibit
this kind of ridiculous ill-motivated
affairs.They used to sanctify this kind
of arrangements to fix the life long union of Two Soules in the name of marriage proposal. Hence we need not
abuse the very ceremony but we should
defy the modernity ill-infused in it.
Moreover the girl's parents now a days are not so gullible as noted in the story. Somehow I want to say the fact
that I have lost myself during the time of reading the story.
Sivaprakasam
Rasipuram, Tamilnadu
Email; divineprakasam@gmail.com
so gullible
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Thanks for reading, Siva! First of all, this was not a "story", but a true incident. I did go through all this 3 years back. And there was a reason why my parents behaved so gullible that day. They liked the groom, and as a person I too liked him. They opined that ultimately it's the husband I'll be spending my life with. But I, on the other hand, could not bear to be a part of a family where the in-laws were so money-minded.
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Hi Neha!, I was reminded of two of my 'see' ceremonies before I married Shiva ( also solemnised after a 'see' ceremony) when I read through your write -up!. Very similar happenings! Though now I am able to look back at them with detachment, at that time it was very humiliating and embarassing. But then ironic that I met and fell in love with my husband in the third 'see' ceremony I underwent. Let us forget the bitterness, good and well meaning people do exist!
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Yes Kalyani, that's what my parents too advise me now. I should forget all the bitterness. It's been quite some time. Thanks for reading!
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Cheers to you Neha !!!
It makes me really happy that today we girls are standing up for ourselves and not falling for the ever chauvenistic attitude of either the men or their father's( read Pa-In-Law)
You did the right thing and you will find Your Knight in shining armour soon. All The Best!!!
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Thank you so much, Shakti! And your good wishes have already come true. I've found my Knight in Shining Armour.
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I AM PROUD OF YOU, NEHA!BOLD GAL/
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Thanks a tonne, Srividya, for both reading and the compliment...
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