May 27 '98  

I don't know what to write today. The page looks at me invitingly, hoping I would as usual share all my thoughts with it. Goel Sir had come last night and as usual he began 'Beta we have such high expectations from you. Mahamanas you will truly live up to your name, etc. etc' all in the same vein. RamAvatar chacha appeared a little envious and hit poor Gaurav hard on his head, "You are a good-for-nothing, whole day you loiter around, flying kites and watching T.V."

Poor Gaurav( he's in my class) he looked properly crest-fallen, he's not a bad sort, but with such comparisons you can hardly blame him for disliking me. Particularly since his father and Babuji are primary teachers in the government school. Hari Ram master grinned rather evilly showing his paan-stained teeth," Remember, Guddu, when you become a big man, don't forget your father's contribution".

He winked in a rather offensive way as everyone roared with laughter. Babuji laughing the loudest his weakness for alcohol being the bane of our existence. Hey Ram, why does it pain so much, it took all my will power not to punch Hari Ram on his nose. I just want to get out of this mess. I was told that there are state scholarships for position holders in the board exams. Ma understands my rage, at the dead of night when Babuji was snoring out the alcoholic fumes, she came quietly by my bed-side, and implored, "Beta, you must study hard, become a big officer, we all depend on you. I have worked hard all my life, stitching clothes, now my bones are weary, they can't take in all this any longer. Your Babuji has always blown up his salary on his vice, leaving me to fend for you and your sisters".

At this point her tears swelled out, I just hate these scenes. I know only too well that Ma wants me to get her out of this endless quagmire. At fifteen I am pretty thin and just of middling height I often wonder how I will manage to find a solution to all these troubles? I am not a super-man, nor gifted with any amazing talent, only bright academically. Well, nonetheless I can always dream and hope, my exams did go very well…the Silicon Valley and the pot of dollars at the end of the rainbow?

June 6 '98

At last peace and quiet. I don't know where to begin, well let me start with Paro's dream. She is younger to me by a couple of years, but strangely, she has always behaved like the older sister, taking care of Nanhi and me. Paro's bright I know given the right environment she will go a long way, but Babuji doesn't care to have highly educated daughters, he says, 'Where will I get  bridegrooms for them. I am a poor man, enough that they pass high school. Besides, men are scared of such educated women.' Paro's eyes are lowered in shame, guilt and hopelessness. She wants to go to college in Jodhpur, I know because one day she asked me about the all women's college there and whether they provided hostel facilities or not.

   Well, about a week back, one morning (after a particularly boisterous and noisy drinking session of Babuji's) when we were feeling absolutely miserable, she announced "Bhaiya's going to come first in the boards! I saw it Ma in the dream; Bhaiya was surrounded on all sides by huge books and he had a happy smile on his face. Next I saw you (Ma) making a pile of ladoos and Nanhi was helping you."

I dismissed it as wish fulfillment, but Ma took it quite seriously.  Paro's clairvoyant and any major event in our lives is always preceded by a symbolic dream she gets. The time when Dadosa met with an accident, we were quite small, Paro barely ten, she had clung to him and wouldn't let him go to Hardwar. She had sobbed and narrated how she had seen the river Ganga gushing by our house in the village and flooding it and sweeping it away! Ganga in Rajasthan, and floods in a drought and famine stricken state! Babuji had laughed, Paro was a particular favourite of my grandfather. Dadosa had patted her head indulgently and departed quite cheerfully. After two days we came to know that a bus carrying passengers to Rishikesh had fallen in the monsoon swollen Ganga. There were no survivors.

       Paro's, prediction changed our mood a little. I had stopped eating altogether since the past few days, the scorching heat and nervous anticipation had made me feel nauseous most of the time. Now of course I can savour the fact and let the reality sink in. It's like the gentle lapping of the waves on your face when one swims in the village pond, tickling in a mildly naughty, teasing manner. Well Paro's dream did come true but only partially I did stand first from my city and came fourth over-all in the Boards. But good enough, today we are all so happy that even Babuji's drinking binge hasn't spoilt our mood. Any way I am so tired that maybe tomorrow I will think more coherently.

 July 2 '98  

So much advice and so little money! Almost everyone agrees to disagree. There was Rameshwar Kaka who insisted that I finish my Twelfth Boards from here and then think about college in Jodhpur. He advised that I should take up Arts or Commerce and then try for the UPSC exams; and end up as yet another faceless Babu, knowing that I had 98% in Science and 100% in Maths. I had to keep a straight face and nod agreement, I am aware that doing anything else will bring on a long lecture on impudence, and 'getting-too-big-for-my-boots' etc. etc. His wife a thin woman with a rasping voice went on and on about how children who went to Kota,( to study for the IIT) couldn't face the pressures and added with ghoulish delight, that often such depressed children committed suicide. Everyone was listening with rapt attention, her voice was grating on my nerves, it was as if she suffered from permanent laryngitis. Then there were my old teachers, Rajinder Sir and SPGupta Sir who knew that I loved science and told Babuji that I should go to Kota and join the Bansal Coaching classes to prepare for the IIT exams( to become an engineering graduate). I don't know how Babuji agreed with them! I still can't believe my luck, any way now I will have to appear for the entrance test for Bansal's coaching classes. Life is now an endless round of tests and interviews! I am terribly excited the thought of the long bus journey makes me so happy. I have never been beyond Ajmer, that also about two years back when I went to represent my school in the inter-district basketball tournament, in which we finished the last.    

July 15 '98

Mahamanas you did it! Yea! I am just at the top of the world I have gotten admission in Bansal's classes. I can just see and feel IIT, an arm's length away. The test was quite 'tough' and I was sure I wouldn't get through. There were so many bright boys and girls coming from all over India who took the test. Babuji had begun feeling restless, one whole week without his alcoholic sprees was getting him down. He said kindly enough, "Beta now that you have gotten this admission, I better get back to Pali." I was taken aback, "What about my boarding and lodging Babuji?"

 "Haan, hum what about that boy Shikhar you had gotten friendly with, you can share a room with him".

"Babuji he will stay with his Mama who's posted here, till he can find a suitable room for himself.”

 We are presently staying in this dharamshalla, which boasts of giant sized mosquitoes swarming all over the place.

After many discouraging rounds with prospective house owners, we managed to rent a room in a house which was a little secluded from the rest. The owner didn't even stay there most of the time and to top it all it was well within my budget. Gods have been really kind now all I have to do is to just concentrate on studying and studying.

 My room, (well I feel fairly proprietorial about it) is on the top floor of this single storied house. It has a wooden bed and a wall with some shelves, a chair and a table. There was a little toilet and bath also at the other corner of the terrace which I could use. From the window I could see the purplish-blue evening sky and the tall Ashokas standing straight like some sentinels. The little lawn below had a neglected look with weeds over running the grass, the other plants had wilted and died during the long summer months. The chirping of the birds died away leaving a sudden silence, as Babuji prepared to leave, I was filled with unknown dread, I wanted to cling to him and go back to Ma, and all that was familiar and dear to me. The road ahead was unbearably lonely, "Babuji don't go today."

"I have to attend school tomorrow I have already taken so much leave". Observing my woebegone face he relented, "I will send your mother after sometime." With that he picked up his briefcase and patted me on my head as I bent to touch his feet to take his blessings.    

August 30 '98  

So much has happened that my mind is in a jumble. Thank God Ma has come, I feel comforted and confident again. Her presence radiates hope and security, somehow 'that boy' hasn't come ever since Ma has come. 'That boy' I call him Bhoothnath , he was sitting there quite comfortably on my chair after I came back from seeing off  Babuji to the bus stand. A thin tall boy with sunken eyes, prominent Adam's apple and a stubble of three days on his chin. For a moment I thought he was the house owner's son, because he appeared so comfortable, almost as if the room belonged to him. I asked, "Kaun ho aap?" No reply, he gave an intense stare from his large round hollow eyes and just vanished! I was left aghast, shaken to the core.

 Reality came in the form of Shikhar and two other boys who came to take me out for a dinner. They had managed a room in a house across the road and were clearly envious of my single room. I on the other hand wished that I had someone to share this room with. I was able to convince Shikhar to stay with me that night. Nothing untoward happened during the night and in the rush of classes and solving endless problem sums the next day I had quite forgotten 'Bhoothnath'.

Returning from my evening stroll, I found 'him'  flipping through all my newly acquired second-hand books. 'He' sensed my presence and my discomfort and he was gone. 'He' began to arrive quite regularly, but I wouldn't get to see 'him', but I knew he had been there, he would have solved some of the difficult problems in Mechanics, in a distinctly loopy handwriting. I began to get a reputation of being brighter than I deserved. This sort of a communication although helpful was also filled with anxiety. I had been angry because 'he' had such a low opinion of my intelligence that Bhoothnath had solved some of my Maths problems as well. So I had raved and ranted that 'he' was a nuisance and couldn't he leave me alone? How else would I ever learn to do any thing on my own? The message went home. Who was he and why was he insisting on being so 'helpful'?

 The relief of being able to rid Bhoothnath was short lived. The super giant mosquitoes finally had me in their jaws, I was shivering with fever and lay in bed for a whole day, wondering whether anybody would be aware of my illness, probably the stench of my dead body would force them to recognize the existence of my body. Hey Bhagwan! If only I had stayed back in Pali and not been bitten by any bug ambitious or otherwise. Trust me to find a house which was totally vacant. The few friends that I had made would probably presume that I had gone back to home. Mercifully ShisRam, came in the evening (he's from my mother's village and it was through him that we had gotten this room); he was worried enough get a doctor and made sure that I was not left alone. His old mother stayed with me, till Ma came and took over. Her opening remark was "Kya hua hai, you look like a ghost."

Sure enough the image which I saw from the mirror on top of the wash basin had sunken eyes which stared out of a thin face with a three-day stubble. I touched myself just to make sure I am just getting too jumpy I guess.  

October 25 98  

I guess I gave Ma a very bad time, because at one point she had persuaded ShisRam that she wanted to take me home and to hell with IIT exams. She just wanted her son back hale and hearty. The fever subsided and I was able to attend classes again, that Ma asked, "Who's that boy who came every evening and got you the class notes?" 

I said, "Shikhar, he wears glasses, about my height but has a little more weight than me?"

"No, he was thin almost like a skeleton and he never spoke to me, just left the papers on the table and went away."

I just stared at her in silence, so there 'he' was again. Extremely helpful I must say as I in my enfeebled state studied the notes and found beneficial clues in the same loopy hand!

"ShisRamji who had lived in this room earlier?"

"This house belongs to Amarnath Seth, he is working in the State Bank, he was transferred out of Kota so he let out the top room to a student. Preferring to keep the ground floor for his personal use. It must have been used by some student preparing for these competitive exams," he ended rather evasively. He stared at me for a moment, "Kyun, kya baat hai?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to know".

"See now you are O.K, you let your mother go back, you don't have to worry about any thing. So long as she is here you will not study and just keep feeling ill. Diwali is just a month away then you will also have holidays". "Only for a few days, Bhai, I don't know what good studying so much will do," added Ma in a tearful voice.

November 21 '98

There's really no going back, I realized at the end of the brief Diwali break. Everybody who came uniformly commented on how thin I had become, and of course Rameshwar Kaka was convinced that I was suffering from depression and kept thumping me on the back apparently to cheer me up. It left me with a back pain and an immediate desire to run away from home. I just wanted to get back to my room in Kota and shut out these prying and unwanted advice givers forever. I had begun getting used to my routine of classes and intensive self-study. The only break was the occasional glimpses of that elusive boy. There were tests in which my performance was satisfactory, but I am confident that I will improve by the end of the year. In fact this December I will not go home, I will stay back and cover up all that I missed initially during my illness. I have grown quite vigilant after my malaria attack I never forget to take my weekly dosage of quinine tablets. I often wonder with so much medical research and inventions why 'they' have still not come up with a malaria vaccine. Probably regard it as a typical third world problem and now that 'they' are no longer the colonial masters,' they' are not bothered about their own men suffering from it, so why bother. 'They' would much rather invest in research against AIDS/HIV etc. At least we have some medicine against malaria, thank heavens for small mercies.

January 12 '99

It's only when I catch the latest viral infection in the town that I become aware of the friendly spirit. I am sure that I had left the doors and windows open when I fell off to sleep last night, too tired and weak to get up and close them. Yet in the morning I had to open the door to let the 'chai-wallah' in. The round of tests in the coaching classes added on to the mandatory school half-yearly exams will make me go mad. I feel like throwing up at the thought of studying. Babuji came to spend a couple of days with me. His concoction of some home made remedies made my throat a little worse. At the end of the day I was croaking like a frog. Babuji  has also noticed that 'boy'.

He asked, "When you are gone, a boy came, sat on the chair stared at me silently and then left. Pagal tha kya?" 

The house owner appeared just then, he was on his annual leave and appeared a friendly chatty-type middle-aged man.

"Ah, so you are studying for the IIT, the earlier boy also was preparing for the engineering exams. He sighed and continued, he stayed here for three years."  I was surprised, "Three years uncle?"

"Haan, he attempted the exam three times I think."

Looking at our incredulous faces he just hurriedly departed. 

March 25 '99

Have you ever felt like a scrap of paper whirling around and round in a dust storm, of no consequence to anyone and totally at the mercy of the whirlwind? I have often felt a strange kind of kinship with that carelessly tossed paper. Time as a measurable amount has ceased to have any meaning. I don't know when the night ends and the day begins. O.K. so end of the millenium the papers scream; for me it's a do or die year. The screening exam for IIT is in December and then the boards in March next year and of course the main exam for IIT in May. They have introduced the screening for IIT this year, in an attempt to weed out large number of students who take the exam. Soon they will hold an interview as well. I don't think I can stand the strain much longer. Even when boys talk of taking the exam a second year, the pit of my stomach feels funny, as if the bottom has fallen through. Looking at my worried face, Shikhar commented, "Why do you worry yaar, of course you will get through with flying colours."

 I am not too sure, particularly since I came to know about Rahulan. He was extremely bright, but somehow something always went wrong with him on the actual day of the exam. He had high fever, met with an accident and in the third attempt wrote a wrong roll number on his answer sheet! I am terribly superstitious and whenever I can, I pray to God to keep me sane and see me safely through these exams. Nobody knows what happened to Rahulan after the third attempt. Some say he went back to Madras, some say he became insane and his family has admitted him to an asylum. Rajeev who has also dropped a year, and is giving the exams a second time, claims that he is still in Kota he gets to see him occasionally sitting silently staring into space near the dhaba at the bus stop. What if I become like another Rahulan?

May 30 '00  

I can't believe the numbness of my mind and body. It's like I have been fighting a long, long battle and now I can't carry on any more. The prospect of studying for the PET (the entrance test for state colleges of engineering) doesn't seem to register. It's still along way off. If I am lucky maybe I will not have to appear for the exam. My estimation is that I should get through. I never found time to even jot down my passing stray thoughts. It's been more than a year since I could write in it. My waking moments (if one can call them that, I was more like an automation or a zombie) were spent in only solving problems from Physics, Chemistry and Maths. Everything sort of faded in the background, yes even Paro and Nanhi whom I love so much. When they came to tie Raakhi, I was really irritated they had broken my concentration. It took a great deal of effort not to shout at them and tell them to go away. Well once I am through with IIT I promise I will more than make up for the bad behaviour.

June 15 '00

Is it possible Mahamanas, to achieve your dream and then feel totally benumbed? Is this what is supposed to be 'Nirvana'.I was just smiling politely and in a detached manner as Nanhi was going around serving ladoos. My two sisters have been just dancing with joy, Ma had tears streaming down her face, for a moment I thought that all my efforts were in vain, may be my worst nightmare had turned into the worst reality. No, no they were of the happiness she had just dreamt about and of the agonising times spent fearing that they will just remain only dreams. Slowly the excitement got me and I was also grinning widely and sharing their enthusiasm.

August 11'00

Could it be possible, that I am still hallucinating, or is 'he' my alter ego or have I merged with him or vice-versa? Well any way I will write it down for posterity to conclude and judge. Here I am looking out of the window in my room in Delhi IIT and as I slowly turned around, there 'he' was grinning a satisfied grin. I had apparently fulfilled 'his' wish and managed to get admission in the most sought after course in IIT. By the look of things 'he' intends to do the graduation along with me. One man's ambition can be another man's curse…

Glossary…

1.Dhaba… tea-stall

2.chai-wallah.. . the boy who got the morning tea

3.Kaun,ho aap? ..Who are you

4.Kyun kya baat hai…. Why what's the matter

5.Pagal tha kya… was he mad?

6.Ashoka tree… Calendula tree